I continued to read every day, drove my friend's barmy "umming" and "ahhing" about the situation. They didn't understand it, why was I even considering his feelings when he clearly didn't care about mine? I bought book after book and strove to find answers, was he a Narcissist for sure? How far up the scale was he? Was I being unfair? How could I help him? How could I fix things between us? What could I do to make it better for him? Why didn't he love me? Who's fault was it? What could I do to make him love me? Why did it turn out like this? At no time did I ask... What about me? How am I going to make this ok for me?
Things went on much the same for some time and I had no real answers. Some days I thought I knew, some days I wasn't so sure. Work was a constant reminder of him, I was exhausted and it showed. My team at my evening job and my family could do nothing right, I was ready to explode in anger or tears at the slightest thing that deviated from how I expected things to be. I desperately wanted calm, to be away from responsibility so I could concentrate on myself.
Some months later he casually emailed me a few times. I wanted to reply of course I did, wanted to explain to him what I knew, what I had done, that I still cared and wanted to make it work if we could agree on acceptable interactions in real life but I knew it would do no good. It required a reciprocal desire to acknowledge and work on the problems, required me to pretend I didn't love him and it required him to be someone else because there was no way he'd do all those things. He'd told me once before in a fight that he would try not to hurt me again but that he couldn't be someone else and he was right. Whatever he knew that I didn't, however he felt about my need or behaviour towards him he was right. So I ignored him. He didn't get the hint.
He said he had heard they were thinking of getting rid of one of his software applications and that he'd been meaning to email me for a while, how were things going? I suspected that he only wanted some form of information from me about how well his legacy had been protected at work and maybe about the other woman. I decided to reply and told him that while I respected his abilities I wasn't interested in whatever he wanted from me, that I found him to be false and disrespectful and I didn't want friends like that. I told him I didn't need any explanations, to leave me alone and that I wouldn't reply to anymore emails. I left a little hint with regards to my status as a Narcissistic Supply Source but I didn't make it obvious because I knew it would do no good. I also knew from my reading the longer he went unchecked for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) the harder it would be to work on it if an official diagnosis was made but how could I say "go get help" without out saying it? I couldn't and saying it would mean nothing to him. I agonised over whether I'd done the right thing.
A week later, by fair means, I found out that he had indeed had a fling with the woman at work and they were still in contact. She seemed desperate to tell me. It had been going on for a few months but was over now and she seemed to want to make it clear that he had done all the chasing and wanted it kept a secret from people at work. She asked me if I thought he was good looking - I shrugged my shoulders. I considered that if he had mentioned her to me maybe he had said something about me to her.
She explained that she had had a bad childhood, her father had been a terrible flirt like he was and she couldn't help herself. I wasn't surprised. She said that her children were the reason that she hadn't had a real boyfriend since her divorce. I wondered if she knew about his girlfriend, one of the real reasons he wasn't her boyfriend. I knew he was still seeing someone but it was possible they broke up while he had his fling and then got back together, maybe he was with someone new but I didn't ask, it really made no difference. I spoke only to confirm that they had slept together. I was so angry with him, so angry with myself. I decided to hand in my notice a few days later making up a somewhat fake job offer - I didn't want to cope with more revelations, more stories, not one more thing. I wanted my life to start over without him in it. I still had the evening job I'd be ok. My only regret was that I had chosen to lie to some of our mutual friends about the job offer because I didn't want it to get back to him why I had left. At the time I felt it was necessary.
While working out my notice this woman was arranging for him to come in to work. My boss had declined to release me to repair a database she used because I was flying solo on numerous other projects and couldn't work overtime. Given that he now knew how I felt about him I was surprised he had agreed but I didn't want him there. As soon as I had some spare time I temporarily fixed the database before they could finalise arrangements with him - I was so relieved.
The very same day I received another email from him telling me he didn't see the point in explaining if I'd made up my mind, that he didn't realise he was false or know what he had done and that I could tell him if I wanted. He said that all friendships were different and he had liked ours, that I was a "wicked person" (supposedly a compliment). He said he was sorry if he had offended me and that it was a shame I didn't want to be friends. There were so many things wrong with what he had said I didn't know where to begin. Every molecule in my body glowed anger, compassion and fear. I didn't reply. In retrospect I realise that he was attempting to smooth the way for his visit to my workplace, that he probably had had visions of himself saving the day with the other woman and myself being grateful to him - but given what I had learned, that was one feeling he wasn't going to get from me.
I tried to reconcile reality with what I had seen/been shown at the start of our "friendship" I became more and more paranoid, more and more unsure as to my sanity and good judgement. I decided to go back to the Counsellor. I explained what had happened and how I felt. I told her I'd been reading a lot on narcissism and was convinced there was something wrong with me but even I knew I had empathy in bucket loads and wasn't grandiose. She warned me off reading too much material on psychology and enforced that I was not a Narcissist, that I was "practically normal" and if I wanted further treatment I wouldn't get it on the National Health Service because I was nowhere near that bad. She re-iterated that I needed to trust my judgement, my intuition, realise what I did and didn't like and what I could and couldn't accept. I felt relieved, I promised if she was sure I'd go out the door and do my best to ensure I believed it and work hard at taking care of myself. She said she was sure.
Of course I went home and started looking at myself more deeply in an attempt to find out the reasons why this person had been so important to me. Why I'd behaved the way I had, why I hadn't been able to give him up and what it was I wanted from life now.
Against my Counsellors advice I read more books but this time concentrating on those that described why women lost themselves in relationships. As I read I cried for my bad childhood, for my parents, for my brothers, I cried for all the time I lost loving people who did not love me and for all the time I had lost not loving myself. Something broke. It was only later that I realised that it was the magic that had broken. My childhood was gone and nothing I did would change it or bring it back, my belief in "the one" was gone and there was no turning back to my life as it had been. I was left with reality and I felt like an adult for the first time.
Then I found out about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The more I read the more concerned I became that I might have the disorder that maybe my Counsellor was wrong and I needed to get it checked out for sure. I interviewed two Therapists with experience in dealing with BPD on the phone. I explained a little of what had happened over the last year and how insane I'd felt. They asked me to explain why I thought I might have the disorder. I said I had too much empathy, I ate too much, got bored if I had nothing to do, that I became obsessed by the men I loved and felt lost when I was in love, that I had thought about suicide (in that I didn't want to wake up in the mornings but never planned it or threatened to do it), that I had a terrible temper when provoked which sometimes was easy but sometimes hard depending on the circumstances and that I had extremely low self esteem most of the time. I stated that for the most part I didn't know who I was and tried to fit in with everyone. I explained that I had become paranoid as a result of my relationship with this man.
I thought I'd made a good case but they apparently did not. I was asked; Have you ever had any therapy outside of counselling? Any admittance to a psychiatric institution? Have people ever said to me that I was being cruel? Did people ever say they didn't understand my thought processes when I spoke? Had I ever tried to harm myself? Did I ever get in trouble with money, drink, drugs or sex? The answer to all their questions was "No." Both Therapists said they couldn't make an accurate diagnosis over the phone but from what I had said it was unlikely I had BDP and that I would have to pay for an assessment because it didn't sound likely that anyone would refer me. They felt I did have issues that they could work with me on if I chose to. I elected not to. I had now opened myself up to 3 professionals and told them the absolute truth about my feelings and my actions. They had all said that I didn't sound anywhere near bad enough to have a personality disorder. Now was the time for me to believe it and start working on my promise to my Counsellor.
